I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
