How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Randomize
