Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Randomize
