i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
