i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
