He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
