surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
