Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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