You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
