He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
