you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
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bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
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No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
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