shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Randomize