just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
