he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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