I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
