gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
