you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
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