After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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