And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
