I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
