She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
