I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
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He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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