so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
