Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Dignity is for republicans.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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