They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
