Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
