why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
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