I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
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I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
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Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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