Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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