you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
