Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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