Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
