Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
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