I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
