end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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