I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
