ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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