A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
