sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
