the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
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Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
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Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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