i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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