What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
