we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
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