wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
not ubering you a puppy
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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