everyone is single if you try hard enough
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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