I think im going to throw up on grandma
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
