The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
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