My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
