Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
