I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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