whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
