So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
