Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
