When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
