she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
