i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Terrible idea I love it
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
